tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
