turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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