Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I puked a lego.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
