dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
