I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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