Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
