Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
