I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
