I think I won the penis lottery.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
