there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
