I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
