you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
