she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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