that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Randomize
