sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
