On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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