I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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