ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
