Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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