I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
