You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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