i barfeds in our rink
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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