I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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