somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
