go do what you do best...puke behind churches
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
