I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
