We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
