I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
