The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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