she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
