apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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