we have pet lesbian snakes
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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