If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
