does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
