I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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