Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
