Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
