After last night, I could never be a politician.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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