i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
