Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
