I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
