Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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