OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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