My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
