Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
