Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So many bounce houses so little time
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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