So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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