He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
