I'm gonna have a badass scar
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
