He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
