I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
