why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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