By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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