This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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