I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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