the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
