The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
