Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
