OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
