Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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