Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
